Time Warp

Layla is almost one month old, but it seems as if the birth happened just days ago, not weeks. At the same time, I know time has passed because I have forgotten the pain of contractions. She is settling in to her routines, which I know will change even as I get used to them. She looked at me--really studied my face--for the first time today. I was singing "Sweet Baby James" to try and comfort her during a fussy time, as daddy was not home and he is her normal pacifier. It's the same song I sang to Mazin over and over when he was a baby. She loved it. She immediately quieted and stared at me. Absorbing. Learning. Today I am alone with my newborn, and we are lazing around the house. I'm following her rhythm. Reading a book about mothering, with my baby asleep on my chest. Doing a bit of sewing, when she lets me put her down. I came across this passage:

"A child came out of me. I cannot understand this, or try to explain it. Except to say that my past life has become foreign to me. Except to say that I am prey, for the rest of my life, to every small thing. Damn." --Anne Enright, Making Babies

I feel as if, this time, I am more able to enjoy this magical time. The first time it was new and mind-blowing and all of that, but it was also stressful and we were so strung out so much of the time, fussing over every little eye booger and whimper. We are relaxed with Layla. No calls to the pediatrician over the color of her poop; no racing thoughts in the middle of the night when spit-up comes out her nose. She is a joy, and I am so grateful to have this time to be joyful and slow down and put other things on hold. Except for Mazin. There is no putting that boy on hold! He has finally settled into the role of big brother (I think). He even said, spontaneously, the other night: "I love my baby sister!" This new sentiment seems to have replaced his early, more ambivalent feelings about her. About a week ago, he remarked, "I think we should put her in the trash and take her to the dump." This might have alarmed me if I hadn't heard stories about other siblings saying similar things. Plus, he smiled and laughed a little after he said it. In that moment, he just didn't want her around, taking up valuable space on my lap. But soon enough she will be a given--he won't even remember his life without her. I so look forward to watching them grow together an develop a relationship. Just for posterity, I want to record the fact that Mazin is REALLY into rhyming these days. He will recite words that rhyme spontaneously, and he especially loves our nightly "prayer" in which we make up a rhyme about what we're thankful for. He also loves to use his first real scissors, and can for the first time wield them with one hand. It's so cool watching this new dexterity emerge that I almost don't resent having to constantly sweep up tiny scraps of paper.