Fireside Chat

Mazin has really been challenging us as parents for the past few weeks. His behavior seems really erratic, and he has major tantrums. When I talk to other parents, it seems perfectly normal, but it pains me to see my boy behave in that way. We're wondering if the sibling jealously thing is finally hitting our family. Or maybe he is just four and that's what happens with some kids this age. I don't know. All I know is I feel totally untrained and unequipped to deal with his behavior. I went online and bought an $80 parenting course on DVD. I felt like I had to do something, take action. The first assignment was to stop reacting to your child and basically "starve the weed"--the weed being the undesirable behavior. Give it no attention. Well, that sort of works sometimes, but of course nothing works all the time. I guess the parenting strategies are going to build off of this base, but we haven't gotten any further yet. One of the purposes of this exercise is to see what you as a parent bring to the dynamic. I have realized that I definitely fan the flame of Mazin's anger with my own. We can just feed off of each other and completely ramp each other up. Just the other day I realized something really important: When he is throwing a tantrum, he is simply externalizing everything I try to keep bottled up when I am angry. If I were not an adult--if I were still four, like Mazin--I would be kicking things and screaming at the top of my lungs and saying forbidden words, and all of that. When I'm angry, I fantasize about doing all of those things, and the only reason I don't is that my children are watching. This realization has allowed me to feel more compassion for Mazin when he is in terrorist mode.

With all of this high drama in my relationship with my boy, I felt we needed some time to really connect. It is always so difficult these days to get that precious alone time. This afternoon, during Layla's nap, I asked him to go outside in the cold with me and build a fire. (I could only coax him out with the promise of roasting a marshmallow.) Once we were outside, it was magical. I showed him how to tell the difference between a green and a dead twig, and we hunted for good ones to feed the fire. We raced to and from the woods. We built our fire. We warmed our hands. We roasted a marshmallow. We threw one into the fire to see what would happen to it. Mazin was a total delight and I enjoyed just observing how he moves through time and space--how ever present he is, and completely in the moment. He also said some really amusing things. When steam rose from his pee, I asked him why that happened. He said, "because I ate fire!" He loved letting the tip of a stick catch fire, blowing it out, and then "painting" the air with smoke. That hour and a half of play is just what I needed to wash away the tension and frustration clouding our relationship these days.

Oh, and I have to record here, for posterity, that a few nights ago we moved Layla's crib out of our bedroom. She's now in her own room, and she loves it. She has rewarded our boldness with a new habit of sleeping for at least eight straight hours, waking up to nurse once, and then returning to her crib for the remaining three or four hours of sleep. All without a single whimper. Personally, I feel reborn! Gotta love that girl. She's incredible.