Ups and downs

Wow, two kids. It's a miracle I go anywhere or get anything at all accomplished. God help me if John leaves for work before I dress myself or brush my own teeth, because I will simply never catch up. Parenting is such an excellent way to measure one's mindfulness--and to diagnose personality traits. I have discovered that I am intensely loving, but not remotely patient. (I'm working on that one.) I am quick to anger, but equally quick to forgive and ask forgiveness. Mazin makes my parenting style painfully transparent lately, when he plays one of his favorite new pretend games. It's the one where I pretend to be Mazin and he pretends to be Mama.  "Be nice or you'll have to go up to your room," he tells me. "No," I reply. "I want to whiiiiine!" "Upstairs, now!" he commands. Wow, is that what I sound like? Not very creative, Jennifer. Can't you come up with something better than Go To Your Room?

Mazin also likes to play the game Baby Mountain Lion, in which he makes baby noises and cuddles in my lap. (Perhaps it feels less demeaning to act like a baby if he is also pretending to be a fierce animal at the same time.) We seem to be stumbling through a thorny spell of behavior at the moment. Lots of willfulness and testing the limits of parental authority. I am afraid of parenting the "wrong" way and creating a tyrannical little monster out of my beautiful, well-mannered boy. I don't want to mess it up. So I play the stern mommy and lay down the law now and then--because I feel like I should. I send him to his room. And then I feel mean. But also justified. And I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. The problem is that I totally sympathize with his impulse to question my authority--a part of me even quietly cheers him on in his battles with me. (Fight the power, little man!) But the other part of me, the part that wants him to wear clean undies and eat something other than a chocolate bunny for breakfast, just wants him to submit to my better judgement.