I need space

I didn't like myself today. I wasn't a good mom. I yelled in frustration--not at Mazin, but at the sky, as I was holding Mazin. I needed the release. He was screaming, so I figured I had a right to scream, too. I was so frustrated from having spent 3 HOURS trying to get my son to nap. Yes, three hours, which involved three trips down the road in the car, each one followed by three wakings on the "transfer" inside. I couldn't just let him nap in the car, because it was ten degrees outside today. I cursed his snowsuit, which I put on and took off several times. I cursed his mittens, which I couldn't find. I cursed the ice on the driveway, which almost killed both of us. I cursed my keys, which were nowhere to be found once I finally got both of us suited up and in the car. I cursed myself, for being so unpleasant and easily ruffled. I think it all boiled down to me just needing a little space. I brought Mazin to bed last night at 7, and he trapped me there until 8, squirming around and generally refusing to fall asleep. At that point I succumbed to sleepiness, even though I had a whole list of things in my mind that I wanted to do in the evening. The next thing I knew, it was 6 am and Mazin was awake (after several night nursings, of course), which meant I had no alone time in the morning , either. So, I got really attached to the idea of naptime today. I just wanted him to sleep for an hour inside so I could do yoga. If he wanted to sleep longer, I would do some housework. I didn't dare wish for more than that. Instead of my ideal, I got three hours of sheer frustration. Mazin finally fell asleep in the stroller, but then woke up cold (of course) 20 minutes later. I ended up on the couch for most of his nap, trapped beneath a wakeful toddler. I did not enjoy it, and I felt guilty for not enjoying it. Shouldn't I adore having my beautiful, loving baby in my arms? Ugh. Not today. Today I wanted my freedom back. I just wanted a little space. I used to have nothing but space. I lived in freaking outer space! Truly light years away from my life now. Five minutes after John walked in the door at 6 pm, I fled to the upstairs office. And I'm not coming out until after bedtime. If I didn't live in the middle of nowhere, I'd probably be at a bar right now. I need this space. I figure I'm allowed to say that, after 17 months.